I did it…
Write about the most precious thing you’ve ever lost.
I was going to use one of those “inspire me” on what to write options for my first post. But this (above) is what it gave me. And to be honest, shit, that’s what my counseling session focused on this morning, so I’ve had enough of that for today. Digging deep and dealing with your pain is a good thing, no argument. BUT. Sometimes enough is enough, and you know you’ve reached your limit for the day/week/year/lifetime.
And damnit, I STARTED A BLOG. Granted, I haven’t told a single person about it. I’ve only written ONE post (and haven’t even completed it, let alone published it). I haven’t linked to or reconnected to any of my old blogosphere friends or accquaintances that (some of whom) I miss like crazy. But with all I’ve been going through and dealing with, writing has scared the living shit out of me. Because once I start, I can’t stop. The feelings (that I’ve been running and semi-successfully hiding from) come out, my fingers can barely keep up with my thoughts, and shit gets real. I go back and reread a paragraph only to find something out about myself that I never knew. Because until I wrote it, I didn’t admit it, or accept it, or realize it, or whatever. Writing is my release, my therapy, my breath at times. And lately, it’s terrified me. Of course, there’s the usual what if I suck, no one wants to read what I write, what if I fail (because in addition to this lovely little blog here, I’m also going to be working on my first novel. There, I said it. Well, wrote it. But it’s been stated, so now it’s real). But there’s also what writing does to and for me emotionally. It opens me up, sometimes rips me raw to the point of barely being able to see the screen through the tears. But they’re tears of healing, usually. They may be painful, they may be joyous, but overall, they ARE tears of healing. And I have a lot of healing I need to do.
I’ve blogged before, under two different “personas”. The first is one I’d rather not delve into, it was a very difficult, painful, and horrible time in my life. The second one was one that was a little more about moving on, healing, getting past the past. But there was still so much cover up. We wear makeup to cover the flaws in our skin, clothing to conceal the flaws in our bodies. I covered up a lot in that second blog. Both times were fantasy… I wrote what I WANTED to be. How I WISHED things were. Not reality. Oh, but I pretended that all I wrote was reality. Don’t get me wrong, there were some really raw posts that were truly honest. But I held so much back, I left so much out.
And that’s not what this blog is about for me. I’m 34 years old, finally growing up. Since I last blogged, I reconnected (thank God for Facebook) with my one true love, and we’re close to celebrating 3 years together, after 17 years apart. And he’s helping me rebuild myself after so many years of being beaten down. He’s teaching me to believe again. And he’s made me realize that not only does HE deserve a healthy, whole, real me, SO DO I. I deserve so much more than I ever thought I did. And this blog? Is going to help me get there. To the point where I DO believe in me again. Not just little once in awhile glimpses, but really believe in me. That I can do what I set my mind and heart on. That I’m beautiful, intelligent, caring, capable, sexy, strong, determined, and WORTHY. Not fat, hideous, stupid, cold hearted, weak, incompetent, and unworthy, as I’ve believed for so long.
I wanted my first post to be positive… not about loss. There’s plenty of time to write about that. Today? I’m trying to be positive. And so far, I’m succeeding. So now I’m going to do the hard part. Hit publish. And I’m going to do it the way I learned that I NEED to do it if I want it to be honest. I’m not going to go back to the top of this post and reread it. Because then I’ll change it. I’ll make it what I think would be more “acceptable”, what would make people like me more, whatever… but I’d change it. In order for this to be effective (for me, at least), I need to leave it raw. So – please excuse any typos that autocorrect missed, because I can’t trust myself to go back and fix them without changing other stuff too!!!
Oh – and privately… J – this is for you. You’ve been encouraging me to write for so long, you understand what it means to me, you love when I do it. Thank you. Because without you, I don’t know where I’d be. But I do know that I never want to find out.