So I know that I don’t completely suck…

Tuesday

My dashboard refuses to change my “tip” at the top of the page, insisting that I update my “About” page so my readers can learn more about me.  Couple issues with that.

First? I have no readers (that I know of, and I’m pretty sure that’s accurate).  I’m okay with that – I haven’t done anything to get this blog out there… and it’s only day 2.  Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t mind becoming the next big thing as a blogger – writing is always how I’ve wanted to make a living anyway.  I’m not sure how much I’m going to push the blog – whether I want it to become something big (could I even do that?), or just keep it as an online journal to help me to work through all of my issues.

Second?  I’m not sure how much I want my readers to know.  No offense to anyone reading this, really.  If you’ve come back to read more after your first few visits and aren’t leaving me troll-like nasty comments, my guess is we’d probably get along really well if we chatted, or maybe even met in real life.  But my life is very compartmentalized.  Am I going to 100% bare my soul here?  I’d love to.  But I’d also like to allow certain (VERY EXTREMELY LIMITED) friends and family members read this blog.  And there are parts of my life I’d rather not share with them.  If I’m that honest and open, then photos aren’t an option, locations and names will need to be changed.  My life is complicated – and while I realize most people’s lives are, mine’s a little more so.  If you keep reading, you’ll see what I mean.  Think Lifetime movies.  Hell, there are days you’d be better off comparing it to Jerry Springer.

So for now, I’m NOT going to link this blog to my real life Facebook page.  I’m not going to give the address to any friends and family.  I’m going to take some time, think it through, talk it over with my man, and NOT make a split second decision that will eventually turn around and bite me in the ass.  That’s one of my specialties.  I tend to trust to easily, too quickly, to overshare – and then learn (most often the really hard way) that, oops, no, I should NOT have trusted that person.  I do have a hard time trusting people.  A VERY hard time.  But when I find someone I feel like I click with, someone that’s “like me”, someone that could be the friend I’m looking for, I tend to close my eyes and jump in with both feet.  The landing usually hurts like hell.

Until I decide who I’m going to share this with in the real world, there’s so much I need to leave out.  Despite my tendency toward procrastination (okay, I’m being very nice to myself here, highly unusual for me – I am the QUEEN of procrastination, lol), this is a decision I want to make fairly quickly.  I don’t want to be filling these blank white pages with bullshit, just to be able to say that I’ve written for the day.  I want my writing to mean something.  Possibly (hopefully to others), but especially to me.

I don’t really have a direction for this blog (other than personal growth), but that’s not surprising, since I don’t quite have a direction for my life yet, either, lol… Hey, I’m only 34.  I have plenty of time to decide what I want to be when I grow up.  Well, I know what I WANT to be.  I want to be a writer.  I’ve had some short stuff published online.  I’ve even had a short story published (in print) in an anthology. I’ve won a few writing contests.  So I know that I don’t completely suck.  My counselor tells me stating things like that is something along the lines of self-affirmation – to me, it just seems like BRAGGING, and I feel wrong doing it, like I’m being a snobby, (shit, wtf is the word I’m looking for here – better than you, sort of condescending…)

More Later.

Wednesday

Well, so much for a daily posting.  I figured I’d slip somewhere around the 30 day mark, not day 2.  But I did WRITE yesterday, so I’m giving myself credit for that.  Not gonna beat myself up over a technicality.  That’s pretty much an entire post, I just never finished it.  Breaking my own self-inflicted rule of not re-reading what I wrote, I couldn’t have just put a “see ya later” and a bow on it and called it a post.  I had some more to go on that topic.  I guess the best thing to do is pick up where I left off up there…   

So I know that I don’t completely suck.  My counselor tells me stating things like that is something along the lines of self-affirmation – to me, it just seems like BRAGGING, and I feel wrong doing it, like I’m being a snobby, (shit, wtf is the word I’m looking for here – better than you, sort of condescending…)

Wow.  All the words I can come up with here are… well, they’re GOOD.  They’re qualities I want to have, yet when I’m talking about me using/showing those qualities, I mean it in a negative way.  Self confident.  Self assured.  But isn’t there a word for OVERLY self confident?  Yes!!!  Cocky.  Cocky is how I think it would sound.  I really must be crazy.  I’m making a statement.  “So I know that I don’t completely suck.”  And I think that sounds snobby?  Cocky?  Braggy?  Overly self confident and self assured?  I really do have issues, don’t I?  Because if a friend said that to me, I’d be all over her, reminding her of any and every little thing she’s ever accomplished that proves she DOESN’T suck.  Coming down on her for talking about herself like that.  Making her say it in a COMPLETELY non-negative way.  Instead of “don’t completely suck”  I’d insist she say something more positive.  MINIMAL would be “I’m actually decent”, though I’d prefer to hear her say something stronger, like “I’m good – even some professionals agree!!!”.  (I probably wouldn’t be like one of those annoyingly energetic cheerleader-y life coaches.  I worked for one of those once, and many days you could hear the entire team swearing under their breath that if they heard her say “fabu-licious” one more time just because someone completed a basic task, we’d add laxative to her herbal tea.)

Talk about a double standard.  I know I’m not the only one that holds themselves to a standard they would never expect others to be able to reach.  Why do I find it so much easier to beat myself up than to build myself up?  This isn’t news to me, it’s not a surprise, nothing new.  Yet I still haven’t learned (or bothered to apply what I’ve learned, maybe) how to build myself up regularly rather than beat myself down.  I know that I’m not stupid.  I’m capable of  grasping basic (and even some complicated) concepts.  It’s just the ones that have to do with body image, self esteem, you know, silly little things like loving myself and being comfortable with who I am.  Oh, there’s a lot of work to do, and a lot of writing here to go along with it, lol… but for now, I’m going to end this.  Jeff is almost home, and besides, it’s long and rambling enough.  I was going to just save as a draft and come back later, but let’s face it – I’m pretty sure tonight’s going to be a repeat of last night.  Within the next… oh, 30 minutes or so, there is no way in hell I’m going to be coherent enough to write anything worth reading, let alone sit up straight.  If, for some reason, that’s not the case, there’s always the next blank page.

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Posted on January 16, 2013, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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