I was sad, and then I wasn’t…

I don’t like where I’m at.  I’m not quite sure exactly where that is, but I DO know that I don’t like it.  I don’t even know where to begin on the map to find “here”.  NY? China? Australia? Yeah, I  really AM all over the place lately.  Cause those 3 places aren’t all that close together.  I mean, I sucked at geography, but I’m 99% sure they’re a fair distance apart.  Right?

I’m stagnant.  We’re surviving day to day, barely… and in so many different ways.  Financially.  Emotionally.  Spiritually.  Physically.  I feel like I’m falling apart – and I’m watching Jeff struggle to hold HIMSELF together, forget about piecing my million little pieces back together.  The words that come to mind are hopeless, terrified, lonely, desperate, on the edge, ready to break, physically in horrible pain, sometimes wishing as I go to sleep that I just won’t wake up in the morning.  It’s just too hard.  And I don’t know if I can do it.  Putting off all the things that need to be done to better our life… because right now I feel like doing them is pointless.

I had that post started… Lets be honest, we all know when I say “started”, I probably mean either a) I titled it or b) I typed about 100 words and maybe inserted an image.  This one was dark, I was NOT in a good place.  I just couldn’t pull out of that pit of despair and hopelessness, that certainty that no, everything is NOT going to be alright. ,

And then I received a Tweet (yes, I was hiding over on Twitter to avoid blogging, lol – sue me) that just lifted my spirits.  And instead of going to sleep worried and filled with anxiety, it was with the start of a smile  Thanks, @osaxy – you said just what I needed to hear, just when I needed to hear it.  But, that doesn’t change where I WAS.  So I posted above what I had written (until that Tweet), because that’s where I was.  And when I’m there?  The pain seems completely unbearable.  I’m okay today, though.  Jeff and I broke down and yelled and cried and said mean things and wonderful things and honest things… and it was needed.  We were both holding too much back.  Too much in.  Too much being kept from each other.  Tonight?  I believe we’ll make it.

I’ve left out the image I intended to put there because of a post I read over at Barking Mad – about stealing.  Lol… she, too, distracted me at the exact moment I needed it – just as I was about to use a (stunning) image found on Google that I really hadn’t planned on sourcing at all, and now I’m having a really hard time sourcing it period – but I’ll get it up here eventually!!!  It’s too gorgeous not to share.

Never win first place, I don’t support the team
I can’t take direction, and my socks are never clean
Teachers dated me, my parents hated me
I was always in a fight cuz I can’t do nothin’ right

Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can’t take the person starin’ back at me
I’m a hazard to myself

Don’t let me get me
I’m my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don’t wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

I wanna be somebody else, yeah

LA told me, “You’ll be a pop star,
All you have to change is everything you are.”
Tired of being compared to damn Britney Spears
She’s so pretty, that just ain’t me

Doctor, doctor won’t you please prescribe me somethin
A day in the life of someone else?
Cuz I’m a hazard to myself

Don’t let me get me
I’m my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don’t wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

Don’t let me get me
I’m my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don’t wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

Doctor, doctor won’t you please prescribe me somethin
A day in the life of someone else?
Don’t let me get me

Don’t let me get me
I’m my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don’t wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

“Don’t Let Me Get Me” ~Pink

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Posted on February 14, 2013, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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