Not Afraid (Okay, I lied… YES, I’m Afraid)

When I first started blogging, I used to look at this blank white space and get excited.  I saw the potential it held – it could become anything, it was up to me.  I could make someone laugh, smile, or cry.  I could make a reader think, examine themselves the way I intended to examine myself.

This was way back at the beginning of my first blog – maybe 2007?  I had a niche, somewhere that I fit very clearly into.  My blog was very specific as to its content, its readers.  There came a time where that blog came to the end of it’s natural life.  I was no longer living the lifestyle that I had been writing about, the purpose of the blog no longer existed.  So away it went, disappearing from the internet (other than the cached files in Google, of course – because we all know that once something appears online, it never really goes away).

Not long after, I started a new blog.  Not so specific, more along the lines of this blog… more a journal than anything else.  I struggled with the face that I didn’t “fit in” anywhere.  I certainly wasn’t a mommy-blogger, I wasn’t crafty or a DIY’er, I wasn’t LOL funny or a brilliant poet.  I didn’t have expertise to share or hints to give (I still don’t, in case you were wondering).  Now, everyone blogs, for such diverse reasons – you don’t need a “why”.  You don’t have to fit into a category.  Just a few years ago, if you said (or wrote) that you blogged, the next question was almost always “What kind of blog?”.  Uhm, gee, I don’t know, the kind where… uh… well, the kind where I write about my life?  You’d get a confused look or a repeat of the question, with the person putting extra emphasis on the word KIND, as if you were too dumb to understand the question the first time. Now, the answer can be a simple “oh, it’s  a personal blog”.  I remember quite a few bloggers going through that whole where do I fit in thing around the same time as me.  I guess it was kind of like a virus, and all us bloggers naively passed the germ from one to another unintentionally.  I didn’t have a purpose for blogging the second time, other than the fact that I had fallen in love with it the first time around.  That blog faded away…  I didn’t really intend to stop blogging, but my life was in turmoil – there was no room for blogging.  (Yes, my life is also in turmoil now, that little fact did not escape my notice.  But this time, I’m choosing to blog through the turmoil.)

I love to write – often I find it easier than speaking.  I’ll post openly here about my addiction, my mental health issues, my medical problems, my emotional turmoil – yet I cannot name a single person (other than Jeff)  that I speak freely to about ANY of those subjects, let alone all of them.  Even here, I’m still kind of standing at the edge of the water, inching my way in.  Every few steps forward finds me taking a step or ten backward.  There are days where I’ve backed up so far I’m standing on dry sand, and others where I’m in up to my knees.  A full dive in would (to me) include using my real name, and linking to my real facebook page, where any and all, friends and frienemies could come and read the pages where I pour out my heart.  That’s not gonna happen.  One day?  Maybe.  Not now, not while certain people still have the power to harm me, not while words that I write have the power to put me back in jail.  I’d like to get in the water, though, and swim.  I want to keep walking forward, deeper into the water, until I’m standing on my toes to keep my head above water (that’s not too hard, though – I really AM short).  So that a few steps backward doesn’t mean dry land, it just means chilly shoulders.  Because when you’re in that deep, it’s more comfortable IN the water than it is out.

I’m just tired of the cycle of depression, of physical pain, of self abuse, of self hatred, of using not even to get high anymore but just to get numb.  I want off this ride.  And to anyone who hasn’t been on this oh-so-fucking-fun ride of addiction, the answer is simple.  Just get off.  To anyone who doesn’t comprehend chronic pain, it’s also simple.  Just get off.  The one thing that (most days) keeps me from crying in pain is the thing that’s destroying my life.  ANY addiction is hell.  Opiate addiction is hell to the 10th power.  Throw chronic pain and bipolar (mainly depressive) in and I’m left running in circles that leave my head spinning and my stomach queasy.  I want off… but I don’t see a stop button, or an off switch – and the ride is moving too fast to just close my eyes, jump off, and hope for a soft landing.  Step 1 is clear – get clean.  But to complete step 1, I need to first cover steps A, B, and C.  And it’s seriously overwhelming.  Nothing is going to get better until we’re clean.  But getting clean is so much easier in theory than in practice.  When I’m not dope sick and going through withdrawal, it’s easy to say “This was the last time.  We’re clean, tomorrow morning, no matter what”.  Then tomorrow comes, and we wake up sick… and tough it out a few hours.  By halfway through the day, what seemed like a wonderful plan the night before now feels like sheer lunacy.

I know there’s a way to do this.  A way WE can do this.  I know there is.  Because this?  Living in a shitty motel, struggling to pay the rent daily, putting Jeff’s life at risk every day to drive into the city to an area NO sane person feels safe in to buy what we need to keep a roof over our heads and from being sick… this isn’t us.  We’re better than this.  And I can say this right now – because while I’m nowhere near high (or numb), I’m also not sick.  That’s coming in a few hours.  Then?  It’s not as easy.  We deserve better than this.  I could pull out the letters we wrote back and forth when we were in jail, talking about getting out and going to meetings, going to church, how we would never go back to the way we were living before we got locked up.  And we didn’t – we went even further down.  Then, we had a beautiful home, a nice car, and D living with us.  Now?  Well, you know the now.

We have somewhere to go… somewhere safe, free, and supportive.  Yet with our habit, we haven’t been able to save up the money to get there – and if we’re going there, we have to go there clean.  Sober.  They’re eagerly waiting for us.  And yet here we are – months after we said we’d already be there, we’re still here.  True, we’ll miss the boys – but D (our oldest) understands why we’re going, and is already planning a road trip (seems teenage boys will take any excuse to hop in the car and drive a few hundred miles, lol).  And C (our younger) doesn’t comprehend a calendar – he’s not going to hold it against us.  But staying in the area we’re in isn’t an option.  Not if we a) want to stay out of jail or b) want to stay clean.  And we want both of those things.

We’re know the odds are against us.  But we’re fighters, both of us.  We wouldn’t still be going if we weren’t.  But this hurdle is a big one.  And while we’re each others biggest cheerleader, strongest support, and best friend… we also have the ability to drag each other down.  It’s so easy to feed into each others addictions.  He might be having a strong, hopeful day, and I’m having a weak and pessimistic day, or vice versa.  We’re determined as hell NOT to give up this 3rd chance we’ve been given.  We’ve been blessed to get a 3rd shot at making our love work – when many don’t even get a 2nd chance.  To throw it away a third time… no.  We’re gonna do it.  Not doing it is NOT an option.  I will not leave my children without a mother and/or a father because I or we were too weak to get clean.

I’m just ready for life to not be so hard.  I know, nobody ever promised it would be easy.  I’m okay with not easy.  But this hard?  Damn.  Really???  I miss the Jeff from when we first got together, and I know he misses the Bonnie from back then.  I miss LIVING – what we’re doing now is merely existing, and that’s a sad way to live your life.  I want to laugh again, to smile again, hell, some days I’d even like to CRY again.  I want to do things again – take walks, go to the beach or go fishing, jut ordinary, everyday things.  We also want bigger things… to travel, to take a vacation.  to not have to go back to jail, ever again.  We want to buy an RV and get a dog.  We’d even (God willing) down the road, maybe like to add to our family.  I’m fixed, so it sure won’t be easy (or cheap) but it is possible.  As long as we are the way we are, those things are not going to happen.  But sober?  They can.

As a little girl, I had dreams… and they did NOT include being a heroin addict in my 30’s, having spent time in jail, and facing MORE jail time.  I was gonna be a teacher, or a counselor of some sorts.  As I got older (read: raped at 11, heroin/crack addict at 14, knocked up and in an abusive relationship at 15, had a newborn baby with a fatal diagnosis at 19), those dreams changed.  I was going to be a counselor, for sure.  Maybe for pregnant teens, or addicts, or rape/domestic violence victims, or families of special needs kids – but regardless, I was determined to be the one DOING the helping, not the one NEEDING the help.  And I’m feeling the stirrings of those dreams again.  I see our situation, and I wish I had someone, anyone, to turn to, that could help me climb out of this hole we’re in – to show me a way out.  I want to be that someone for others like me.  But in order to do that?  I have to get out of this hole.  I can’t help anyone from way down here at the bottom.

Right now?  I’m determined.  To make changes, to make something happen, to… to something.  Anything.  Because anything is better than nothing.  So tomorrow, I’m going to take one step.  Not sure what it’s going to be yet, but it will be a step.  And maybe the next day it’ll be easier to take 2 steps.  All I know is that I can’t keep sitting here whining about how bad it is.  It’s not going to get better all by itself… only I can do that.  So… now that it’s almost 5am, I think maybe I’ll try to sleep.  Because I have something to do tomorrow.

I deserve more than this.  Jeff deserves more than this.  Our boys deserve whole parents.  I want to stop hiding – from myself and everyone else.  That means I have to stop doing shit that needs to be hidden.  But I know I can do ONE thing, make ONE change tomorrow.

Then maybe I’ll get something posted (2 days in a row!!!??? SHOCKING!!!) about what that something I accomplished was.

Thanks for listening to me ramble…

Bonnie

“Not Afraid”Eminem

I’m not afraid (I’m not afraid)
To take a stand (to take a stand)
Everybody (everybody)
Come take my hand (come take my hand)
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just letting you know that, you’re not alone
Holla if you feel like you’ve been down the same road (same road)[Intro (during Chorus ^above)]
Yeah, it’s been a ride
I guess I had to, go to that place, to get to this one
Now some of you, might still be in that place
If you’re trying to get out, just follow me
I’ll get you thereYou can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay ’em
But you won’t take the sting out these words before I say ’em
Cause ain’t no way I’ma let you stop me from causing mayhem
When I say I’ma do something I do it,
I don’t give a damn what you think,
I’m doing this for me, so fuck the world
Feed it beans, it’s gassed up, if it thinks it’s stopping me
I’ma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I’m tearing down your balcony
No ifs, ands or buts, don’t try to ask him why or how can he
From “Infinite” down to the last “Relapse” album
He’s still shitting, whether he’s on salary paid hourly
Until he bows out or he shits his bowels out of him
Whichever comes first, for better or worse
He’s married to the game, like a fuck you for Christmas
His gift is a curse, forget the Earth, he’s got the urge
To pull his dick from the dirt, and fuck the whole universeI’m not afraid (I’m not afraid)
To take a stand (to take a stand)
Everybody (everybody)
Come take my hand (come take my hand)
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just letting you know that, you’re not alone
Holla if you feel like you’ve been down the same road (same road)

Okay quit playing with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap
I shouldn’t have to rhyme these words in the rhythm for you to know it’s a rap
You said you was king, you lied through your teeth, for that
Fuck your feelings, instead of getting crowned you’re getting capped
And to the fans, I’ll never let you down again, I’m back
I promise to never go back on that promise, in fact
Let’s be honest, that last “Relapse” CD was ehhh
Perhaps I ran them accents into the ground
Relax, I ain’t going back to that now
All I’m trying to say is get back, click-clack, blow
Cause I ain’t playing around
It’s a game called circle and I don’t know how, I’m way too up to back down
But I think I’m still trying to figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn’t, this fucking black cloud
Still follows, me around but it’s time to exorcise these demons
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!

I’m not afraid (I’m not afraid)
To take a stand (to take a stand)
Everybody (everybody)
Come take my hand (come take my hand)
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just letting you know that, you’re not alone
Holla if you feel like you’ve been down the same road (same road)

And I just can’t keep living this way
So starting today, I’m breaking out of this cage
I’m standing up, I’ma face my demons
I’m manning up, I’ma hold my ground
I’ve had enough, now I’m so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now! (now)

It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me
Admittedly, I probably did it subliminally
For you, so I could come back a brand new me you helped see me through
And don’t even realize what you did, believe me you
I been through the ringer, but they could do little to the middle finger
I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of
My world, haters can make like bees with no stingers
And drop dead, no more beef flingers
No more drama from now on, I promise
To focus solely on handling my responsibilities as a father
So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof, like my daughters
And raise it, you couldn’t lift a single shingle on it!
Cause the way I feel, I’m strong enough to go to the club
Or the corner pub, and lift the whole liquor counter up
Cause I’m raising the bar
I’d shoot for the moon but I’m too busy gazing at stars
I feel amazing and I’m

I’m not afraid (I’m not afraid)
To take a stand (to take a stand)
Everybody (everybody)
Come take my hand (come take my hand)
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just letting you know that, you’re not alone
Holla if you feel like you’ve been down the same road (same road)

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Posted on February 18, 2013, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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